Man Illegally Enters Ultra Miami by Swimming to Festival Through Biscayne Bay

One man’s journey to attend Ultra Music Festival via Biscayne’s waters.

The city of Miami is essentially the wild, wild West, replete with Columbian cowboys, plur princesses, and skilled scuba divers! Recently for the metropolis’ infamous Miami Music Week, masses of hopeful music lovers from all corners of the Earth (from the depths of every dreg) gathered in ritualistic celebration of electronic dance music. It was the final week March, the last breath of Spring break, and the prequel to none other than Ultra Music Festival.

Ultra’s return to Bayfront Park was nothing short of a vortex of tempestuous drama. The residents of Downtown unleashed lawsuit after lawsuit for noise pollution, displacing the homeless, the inundation of bacchanalia, etc. Attendees retaliated against the strict no refunds policy after two years of misleading “rescheduling.” Countless travel plans were delayed, ruined, or canceled. Needless today, the road to Ultra 2022 was tumultuous and fraught, so as MMW grew closer and closer every Ultranaut’s excitement came to a boil.

With 3-day ticket prices soaring north of 400 dollars, the festival’s affordability was questionable, however, that certainly didn’t stop one ambitious TikToker from attempting to sneak into the festival via snorkel. In a TikTok posted by jackdvdson, a Zoomer could be seen attempting to breaststroke past Ultra’s security. For the first 20 seconds of the video, Mr. Davidson’s ingenuity was unparalleled as he navigated the Bay to reach his promised land.

Unfortunately for this nautical naughty boy, the marina police spotted and caught the mischief. Although any other police force would have certainly arrested the trespasser on site, 12 were so entertained that they gave him a VIP band instead. To the dismay of every paying Ultra attendee, the remainder of the TikTok showed Mr. Davidson head banging to wubs, filling his snorkel mask with bubbly, and just being a dude being a bro being a guy.

To relish in the memory of Ultra 2022 at its undeniable home in Bayfront Park, venture below.

Saracha

Heralding from sunny South Florida, I am a proud Florida Woman. In my free time, I surf the swamp, wrangle gators, open fan mail, and tend to my pets. In the wild, I’m most often spotted at immersive art spaces, step tappin’ in a shadowed corner of the club, hater blockerz on, totally incognito as your resident EDM spice girl. Although I generally tout my spicy side, if there’s one thing I’d love to impress upon the world, it would be this: it’s not a waste to give love to those who do not deserve it – it’s a gift. The world would be a better place if we gave, in kindness and in mercy, to those who need it most with no expectation in return.

See author's posts